Confessions of a Commitment-phobe

I’ve been called a regular guy’s gal. I hate shopping, don’t care about planning my wedding and prefer casual dating to being in a relationship. I’ve had three serious relationships in all my 27 (ahem, 21) years. For me, the idea of dating without the emotional connection has always been preferable. After all, I did say I’ve only had three serious relationships. They all ended badly, each for their own reasons.

I’ve done myself a disservice by taking the easy way out. To avoid commitment, I don’t date men I actually have feelings for. Whenever I have dated someone I had feelings for, it ends in disappointment. So what’s the point, right?

The point is that I have a problem with rejection. Who doesn’t?  I’ve made sure I rarely became close enough to anyone to care whether or not they want to see me again. This isn’t a rewarding way to live. I’ve missed out on meaningful experiences because of my fear of rejection.

While I do think I need to guard my heart, since it has been broken quite a few times, I need to realize that these past rejections are God’s way of trying to get my attention. Jesus was rejected so many at so many different times, but he still persevered. He knew he was going to be rejected and betrayed, and still he continued.

I’ve recently made two very important commitments. I’ve committed  myself to learning about who God is, and therefore who I am.  In this journey to know myself through knowing my Father, I’ve committed to not dating until I’m ready. And look, I’ve already learned about my own issues with rejection and God’s nudges to get me to listen.

 

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Lent is hard

Duh, right? Lent is supposed to be hard.

This is the first year I’ve actually participated in Lent. I spent a lot of time thinking about what God would want me to give up. And I spent a lot of time asking Him. One morning, on the train, I got my answer. I’ve struggled a lot with my relationships with men in the past, going from one guy to the next, not really taking time for myself in between. As I was thinking about this, and thinking about Lent, I suddenly realized God would want me to give up dating for a while, probably a long while, so I could focus on my relationship with Him and also focus on ridding myself of the self-destructive cycle.

I’ve never been addicted to any substance before, but I do think I am addicted to the good feeling I get when men are paying attention to me. It doesn’t even matter if I really even like the guy in return, the attention makes me feel good, and I use it to build my confidence. This, I’ve realized, is self-destructive behavior. Which is why my Lenten sacrifice has multiple levels. In giving up dating, I will work to strengthen my relationship with God while also working to become better at being single. I’m a hard-working, smart girl who has a lot going for her, I just need to rid myself of this unhealthy dating cycle. So far, so good. But we’re not even a week into Lent yet.

I know this is going to be a challenge for me, and I’m ready to give it everything I’ve got.

Getting the idea, 1:1

Welcome to my blog, or what I like to call my journey to figuring out who God is, what God is trying to say to me, and what I’m going to do about it. But to stay concise, let’s just refer to it as my blog.

For those who know me, you’re wondering how this journey seems to have come about all of a sudden. For those who don’t, you’ll learn more than you probably want to know about me if you choose to continue reading. Back to those who know me— I’m still me. Meaning I’m still the sarcastic, cynical brat I’ve always been. I still read way too many books, clean the house when it’s already clean, watch movies, sleep way too much and enjoy the finer things in life like beer, junk food, and cake.

You’re probably all still wondering how this journey started. And that’s partially my fault, as I’ve never been very candid when it comes to my belief system. I was raised Catholic, meaning I endured Sunday school every week for years on end, and then I just kind of gave up after my confirmation. I knew Catholicism wasn’t for me, but I didn’t really do much to figure out what exactly was. To fill the void, I set up my own little system that helped me cope that went along the lines of God having a plan and the good and bad stuff I went through was all part of it.

I’ve recently realized my system isn’t really enough. Yes, God does have a plan. But the stuff that happens to me every day is God trying to guide me, and I haven’t been a very good listener.  I’m still not a very good listener, but trying has to count for something, right? And I think the more I try to listen the more I’ll start to hear. At least I hope that’s how this works. But, in a nutshell, that’s what this blog is all about—not figuring out how it all works, but getting a pretty good idea.