I’ve always been very hard on myself. Especially with relationships, both friendships and those of the romantic sort. I blame myself for the failures, even if I know it takes two to make something work.
Some may see this as selfish, as in “The world doesn’t revolve around her, why does she blame herself for everything that happens?” But if you knew the agony I often put myself through, you would no longer see it as selfish. You’d probably wonder how I am so blessed with as many friends as I have. I have a tendency to completely fall apart whenever something goes wrong or doesn’t work out the way I had anticipated. I’m getting better at dealing with the fallout, but I know I still have work to do.
The truth is, I am blessed. And I know I need to remember this whenever a relationship doesn’t end up the way I had hoped. I’m torn in these situations. On the one hand, I understand God has a plan, and all my experiences play into this plan.
On the other hand, I can’t help but wonder what I could have done differently. What if I hadn’t said this? What if I hadn’t allowed this to happen? What if I tried harder? What did I do wrong? What if I wasn’t fun enough?
By asking these questions, I’m essentially admitting my own feelings of inadequacy. But I’m also questioning God’s plan for me and admitting I have a difficult time trusting His plan. Opening myself up to His plan is very important to me. And, by opening myself up to His plan, I might also be able to better open myself up to the important people in my life.