My dating sabbatical has revealed to me my unhealthy relationship habits and cycles. Another one of these has become relevant the past few weeks: my constant anticipation of the let-down (or what I like to call “the slap”).
If I anticipate the slap, it will hurt less, since I know its coming, right? Wrong. My anticipation of the slap has led to a whole lot of self-fulfilling slaps. Because I anticipate it, I never full let go and enjoy what I have when I have it. Waiting for the slap in the end becomes the cause of the slap.
In my anticipation, I become weak, insecure and compliant. I change in an attempt to avoid the slap. But I’ve realized the change ultimately causes the slap. No one wants to be in a friendship or romantic relationship with someone who constantly bends to their will. Someone so afraid of getting hurt that she can’t open up and live.
It will be difficult to reverse this subconscious act. But Jesus didn’t behave differently when he was slapped. He knew He was going to get slapped, and still didn’t live in fear. I need to focus on following in these footsteps. I am not a scared, weak being. I’m a Daughter. Yes, I have been broken apart by people in my past. But God was there to rebuild me. I just need to accept it.