Rushing In

This week I woke up in the middle of the night with a great blog post idea. I assured myself while I was falling back to sleep that I didn’t need to write it down because it was way too good to forget. I forgot it.

But then I remembered it later in the week. Luckily, I was lucid this time and had paper and a pen. And since it has come to me twice, I’m taking that as a sign that this is something I need to address.

I’ve been officially single for a whole year now. Was it a long year? Yep. Did I learn a lot? You bet. Were there stumbling blocks along the way? Several, and they were huge.

I’m sure there are a lot of qualities friends and family members notice about me that have transformed in this year. But inwardly, the biggest difference I see in myself is how I deal with things. I still feel that flight or fight instinct when I’m in an uncomfortable situation, and I still feel anger and sadness for how I’ve been treated in the past, particularly by men. But, the way I now deal with these feelings is worlds different than just a year ago.

I’ve grown to see that I don’t need a partner. Would it be nice? Sure, but so would a million dollars. This realization goes so much deeper than just saying it. After all, I knew all along I would be fine on my own. But actually living it for a year was a completely different story.

I also see the value of taking the time to get to know someone. I’ve always been rushed when it came to feelings of the heart. As you can see from my track record, that usually doesn’t work out for the best. I know every couple has their own path and some are faster than others. But I’ve seen my path needs to slow down considerably. For me, rushing into something is foolish and fostering a meaningful relationship takes a lot of time, particularly with my neurotic tendencies and trust issues.

Right now, I’m in a good place, and I love being single. Maybe someday that will change, but for the moment I answer only to myself and God, and that’s been a long time coming.

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