A Dirty Word

dirtywordsI never thought I had the luxury to be able to surrender. I became used to taking care of myself at a young age, and grew to learn that planning and preparation is the way to ensure bad stuff doesn’t happen.

Well, despite all my planning, preparation and exit strategies, I’ve never had things under control. It’s taken me a long time to realize this and it’s something I need to remind myself constantly. *Deep breath* I’m not in control.

When I delude myself into believing I am in control, I miss out on what God has already planned for me. But “surrender” has always been a dirty word in my vocabulary. Surrender has always signified weakness, an inability to take care of things on my own.

I’ve been struggling with my current living situation, and the possibility that I may have to move. It took me a while to come to grips with the idea of moving, leaving my current home without knowing whether the next place will really feel like home. But not knowing my next steps has been an exercise in surrender for me. This is a situation I can’t be in control of, no matter how much I plan and prepare. It’s too early to secure a new living situation, and there’s the potential that I won’t have to move.

And while I can’t make this feeling of balancing on a tightrope completely disappear, I can surrender the situation to God, who already has it in control, anyway.

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