Willful disobedience

I don’t thinwillful disobediencek I’ve made it a secret that I wasn’t the most well-behaved human being a few years ago. I lived day-to-day, interested in what would be the next good time.

Since college, I’ve grown up quite a bit. And, since accepting and embracing my position as His daughter, I’ve grown exponentially. But I still get that urge every once in a while to dip my toe back into the old lifestyle. Just for one night, one weekend, and then I’m done. Promise. Well, until the next time.

I recently had the urge, and it was stronger than ever. So I did things I’m not proud of, even though I knew I was making the wrong decision. Do I regret what I did? No. Will I do it again? No.

Here’s why I don’t regret what I did. I learned that my disobedience is willful, and it’s against God. He’s not giving me what I (think I) need, so I’m going to get my kicks, no matter how temporary, just for that quick fix.

If I hadn’t done what I did, I probably wouldn’t have realized that my action was ultimately hubris. I knew better than God, and He wasn’t delivering, so I took matters into my own hands.

Did it turn out well? No. In fact, I felt bad about what I did. But if I hadn’t done it, I wouldn’t have seen my willful disobedience for what it was: thinking I knew better than Him. I’m not condoning my actions, but they are serving as a learning experience. Which is showing me that God uses our obedience and our disobedience to teach us lessons about life.

God knows better than I do. Sometimes I let my earthly desires cloud my judgment, and sometimes I even get so far as to think of these desires as needs  I’m entitled to have fulfilled. But God then brings it full circle and I learn a lesson and surrender my life all over again. God: 1. Carlene: 0.

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