Every year around this time my happiness plummets. It’s not because of Valentine’s Day, either. I purposely arranged in-utero to be born a week early so I wouldn’t have to share my birth with that stupid holiday.
Maybe it’s the lack of sunshine and vitamin D. Maybe it’s post-Christmas hang-over. Maybe it’s lingering heartbreak. I think it’s probably a combination of all three.
I’ve only truly been in love twice in my life. The first time was a classic instance of young love torn apart by different life ambitions, different colleges and different friends. The second time is more a classic story of losing yourself in someone too fast too soon.
The second time could have been written as a modern fairy tale. We met in a class while we were each dating other people and felt a connection we never acted upon. Years later we randomly reconnected. And the seven or so months we were together were blissful, at least, they were blissful for me.
I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t in a good place during those blissful months. I had just graduated college, and was living at home in my parents’ dining room turned bedroom, working 20 hours a week in a shitty retail job. I couldn’t pay my bills and if I really admit it, I was unhappy. But I didn’t care because I was in LOVE!
Here’s the thing about priorities. If you don’t keep them in check, even when you’re in LOVE, someone will notice. And it won’t be good. Essentially, I put aside my ambitions and needs for a man. I put my entire life in his hands. And he probably felt pretty uncomfortable, since the girl he initially met was strong-willed, driven, independent and ambitious (and hilarious…). The girl he dumped was reliant, uncertain and lacking confidence.
This was before I figured out Jesus was my Way, so my priorities were already out of whack to begin with. I think I get sad this time of year because I’ve grown so much more in my will, drive and ambition, but I wonder if I’ll get the opportunity to show this man who I truly am.
Really, it shouldn’t matter if I do get to show him, because I’ve shown myself, and I am a Daughter, and Heiress to the Kingdom. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to want him. I give it to God every minute of every day and ask for relief. And I pray one day God helps me break this burden, prompts me to act, or prompts him to act.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5