Dear Christians, Remove the Bunch from Your Panties*

Or should I wave my wand and say “unbunchos pantios.”

 

I don’t often do this, because I try to keep my blog posts uplifting, affirming and positive. So apologies in advance, but I’m digging my dusty soap box out of the closet and am going to stand on it for just a moment.

 

I’ve been seeing a little bit (a lot) of internet uproar lately about a woman named Grace Ann Parsons, who has taken it upon herself to re-write the Harry Potter stories as fanfiction, not only sanitizing them but also attempting to “Christian-ize” them so they are safe for her kids and they don’t grow up to become “fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionists” (her words, not mine). Because we all know those of us who are avid literature readers have grown up to be sex-addicts with needle tracks on our arms.

 

First. Stop giving it so much attention if you don’t agree with it. I’m a PR professional by day (and sometimes by night), and I will say there is definitely some truth to the whole idea that bad PR is still PR. Even if it’s not positive, people are talking about it (in this case, debating/attempting to set the record straight on Christianity, etc.) on social media, and probably piquing the curiosity of their friends. In short, all this conversation about it, even the negative commentary, is upping her readership, encouraging her to write more. So just stop it already. And yes, I get that writing a blog post about it is feeding into the beast, but I’ve got some pretty good points so you should probably ignore that and just keep reading.

 

Second. I’ve read it (at least, I’ve read some of it, so I can try to be informed about it before lambasting  constructively criticizing it). And I have to say: REALLY, PEOPLE?! Step out of your Christian brain for a moment. Just for a second. And I think you’ll see this better for what it really is: poorly written satire. Or, at least, a poorly written attempt at satire. Or, at the very very least, poorly written fanfic by someone who doesn’t really get what Jesus was about. Anyway, it’s poorly written (and hokey), if you haven’t caught on yet. I mean, in her first intro to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles, she states her reason for writing is because she doesn’t want her kids “turning into witches” (her words, not mine).

 

But since I’m not writing to judge other people’s attempts at creativity, let’s focus on the basic fact that this woman doesn’t understand Jesus (note: in no way am I claiming to completely understand Jesus myself, but I do have a basic concept of His teachings). To prove my point, here are some questionable excerpts about the role of women with which I’m not sure Jesus would be on board:

“Answer the door, Harry!” his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven.

Shouldn’t you be doing that? Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. –Post: New Horizons

Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City [sic]. This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness. –Post: Dinnertime!

Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn’t care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. –Post: Dangerous Days Ahead!

 

According to Grace Ann, all good Christian women need to be barefoot and pregnant stay-at-home moms who get up every morning, do their hair and makeup, and then spend the day cooking and cleaning for their man and children. Sigh. Guess it’s all over for me, then. No matter that I root my identity and therefore my whole existence in Jesus.

 

Guys. Let’s stop spending time picking apart this drivel. It’s most likely really (and I mean really) bad satire (which makes us all look a little foolish for being so up-in-arms about it). If I’m wrong (which I assure you, rarely happens, ha), it’s poorly written fanfic by a person who is probably reading a censored version of The Bible, since, ya know, The Bible isn’t full of stories about the Son of God hanging out with sinners for a greater purpose. Or maybe that’s next on her list of books to re-write, so her kids don’t turn into adulterous, war-hungry, greedy tax collectors who murder their own brothers and talk to snakes.

 

As a logical response to the literary travesty that Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles is, I propose we begin burning books again. Let’s start with The Chronicles of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings books, shall we? (Note, this is sarcasm and satire. I don’t really want to burn these books.)

 

*Apologies for the use of the word “panties.” *shudder*

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